I'm just going to leave this here....
“

Fortune’s nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to “expand oyster and
clam research,” a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature’s oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
amounts of fertilization …
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
teenagers who read The Congressional Record.

”
— There is a little program called “fortune” that essentially just outputs a random entry from a large database of “fortunes.”  Most of them are funny quotations gathered over the years by computer programmers.  ( wiki for more information)  This little gem made me laugh so I thought I’d share.  I don’t know if this quote is a historical truth.  But I wouldn’t put it past people in this world to object to discussions about sex. Even if it is clam sex. Won’t somebody please think of the children!?

I Humbly Apologize To The D

  • Craig: that fig tree is really kicking ass
  • Craig: i'm really pleased with it
  • Me: it's not a shrub?...he could be a tree...make a kickass tree.
  • Craig: that's true, but figs can easily be grown in bush/shrubbery form
  • Craig: Wait...are you mocking my tree?
  • Me: dude, I'm sorry was I encroaching on your figtrees?
So, there is this fake bird in a fake cage that hangs from the shelf in my cube. He even has his own name tag. As an added bonus there is a we lil’ story that goes along with it. I had just begun work as a software developer. The more veteran employees had been complaining that Pamela, the building manager, had been cracking down on ID badges. People were going to have to start wearing them all the time and above the waist. There was slight grumbling about this for my entire first week on the job. Not a big deal just some grumbling like employees do. That same week I see Pamela frantically searching my floor with a flashlight and a broom. Several minutes later I hear her announce, “I’ve got it. I’ve found the bird.” and I saw her carry it out in a black plastic bag. I put these two things about Pamela together and decided to be a wise ass and post to our company forums. “Recently our beloved Co-op was infiltrated by an ornithological outsider. He was escorted from the building in a black plastic bag. Officials report that it was because, ‘He wasn’t wearing his badge.’” This stirred up a lot of controversy like these things do at work. One of the team leaders called me “Ballsy for a new guy.” Several other managers said it was the funniest thing they had seen at work. Pamela was not amused especially because of the good natured ribbing she was getting from the other managers. I told my mom the whole story and she got me the toy bird that you see here to keep in my cube. I made him a name badge just to be safe…

So, there is this fake bird in a fake cage that hangs from the shelf in my cube. He even has his own name tag. As an added bonus there is a we lil’ story that goes along with it.

I had just begun work as a software developer. The more veteran employees had been complaining that Pamela, the building manager, had been cracking down on ID badges. People were going to have to start wearing them all the time and above the waist. There was slight grumbling about this for my entire first week on the job. Not a big deal just some grumbling like employees do.

That same week I see Pamela frantically searching my floor with a flashlight and a broom. Several minutes later I hear her announce, “I’ve got it. I’ve found the bird.” and I saw her carry it out in a black plastic bag. I put these two things about Pamela together and decided to be a wise ass and post to our company forums.

“Recently our beloved Co-op was infiltrated by an ornithological outsider. He was escorted from the building in a black plastic bag. Officials report that it was because, ‘He wasn’t wearing his badge.’”

This stirred up a lot of controversy like these things do at work. One of the team leaders called me “Ballsy for a new guy.” Several other managers said it was the funniest thing they had seen at work. Pamela was not amused especially because of the good natured ribbing she was getting from the other managers.

I told my mom the whole story and she got me the toy bird that you see here to keep in my cube. I made him a name badge just to be safe…


I’m pretty sure she’s also accidentally a coca-cola bottle too. … move along…nothing to see here.

I’m pretty sure she’s also accidentally a coca-cola bottle too.

… move along…nothing to see here.


So, here it is.  It’s a picture of me and it is quite gratuitous.

So, here it is.  It’s a picture of me and it is quite gratuitous.